Looking Backwards
by GravityDefyingTrenchCoat
Summary: After another fruitless lead on the Philosopher's stone, the two Elric's are tired and worn and just want a place to rest. However, tonight, it seems fate doesn't want to even give them that the way they expect it. One-Shot No Elricest.


**A/N**: Alright, I finally got this up! *Insert crazy/evil Roy Mustang laugh originating from the Flame vs. Fullmetal episode* This is my first FMA one-shot so I'm kind of nervous to put this out but I figured... I wrote it, I might as well. This story I idea was actually based off several pictures I came across on Deviantart while searching for some good Ed and Al pic. And I came across some really nice pictures, but I kept seeing pictures of Ed asleep in Al's lap on streets and alley and rather public places. So I got inspired (Curse the plot bunnies!) and decided to write myself a story to answer a probable scenario for some of the fan art works. I had a lot of fun working on this and editing. I really love the two Elrics and their close relationship so I didn't mind at all exploring it! Please, enjoy!

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**Disclaimer: **I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist... or at least that's what my therapist tells me...

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Looking Backwards

"What do you mean there is no room here! This is the last inn in this god forsaken town!" Edward didn't belt it, but it was direct. His tone was angry, his usual pissed demeanor bright and obvious. His white gloved right auto mail hand clenched tightly in a ball on the wooden counter; a large glass cup full of dark liquid cooled quietly only several inches away. His once erect and well placed bar stool now leaned threateningly against the bar, having been pushed there with the older Elrics sudden spike of anger. There was a great chance it would tip and fall to the floor but no one gave notice.

"Kid, I've already told you. We've been booked up for over a week. It's the middle of summer and the festival starts tomorrow, if you ya wanted a room ya should have gotten one in advance." Edward glared at the man behind the overly polished counter, its waxy coating leaving light brown stains as he lowered his hand to his side, still perfectly clenched. The bar tender didn't seem to notice, his voice stiff and uncaring not even eyeing the tired Elric face to face, his back turned to a group of cups he was washing out with an old rag.

The inn keeper was an older fellow, a good height and set of muscles equipped to him. His head held no hair, in fact, the only hair visible was a thick black moustache outlining his pale creamy skin tone rather nicely. However common place or easy going his appearance though, his expression was a dull worn down one yet at the same time completely interested. To the Elrics, the only way he could be described was as a man who had seen too many long working nights and yet not enough rested sunrises.

Alphonse paid close attention to every detail, like he always did. His older brother at the moment though, was too busy seething to do anything else but gape. But Al was no stranger to this, Ed did this a lot and was actually being rationally better considering the fact he hadn't mauled the guy with his auto mail.

"Look! I'm a state alchemist! Sent here by _your_ government to ensure _your _safety." Ed snapped as he angrily huffed and pulled out his silver alchemist pocket watch from his black slacks, holding it up in the air still attached to the chain and everything. A deep scowl now encased the blond's brow, and although he seemed less ready to strike, he still remained livid. "So don't you damn tell me that you don't have any more rooms left!" Ed yelled the last part, his teeth grinding dangerously as the man looked him over with an uninterested gaze. He never once stopped his slow montage of cleaning.

"Look kid, I have to admit, you are the youngest boy claiming to be from the military that I've ever seen but I know you're type, regardless. You're one of those kids that simply go where he likes and does what he likes because he _can_. There is no need for military efforts in this town, never has been. Whatever you're here for I'm not lodging you to do, so either buy a drink or get out." At that, the man turned around and picked up the nicely stacked cups from a silver tray and shuffled to a back room behind the counter, never once even giving the two even a glance.

Ed jumped off his stool, anger bellowing well off his amber eyes. His face was masked with fury and distorted with hatred, glimpses of exhaustion leaking through. The stool which had been teetering for its life, clamored to the floor with a lifeless and metallic thud, again, no one noticed. Soon enough, however, the ruffles of Ed's bright red jacket wrinkled as his hands spread apart in a strange fashion as his black underclothes were exposed for a moment. He looked about ready to be on the verge of using alchemy. In a blind panic, the younger Elric, the rock, the tall metal shadow for the state alchemist, grabbed his brother's hands. Cold eyes soon set on him without hesitation. Al was sure if he still had his human body, one with more emotional expression, he would have flinched. However, since he wasn't, the gloved hands remained as he himself stood up from his own bar stool. Mindlessly, his free hand glided, without any feeling, over the wooden and polished bar.

"Brother, stop it. You cannot do that." Al knew it would take more than that to break through to his older brother, but for the moment, he just wanted to be the voice of reason.

Supporting the true reflexes of a trained alchemist, Ed's free arm, his right arm, his non-feeling arm, made an emphasized motion over the counter. "But Al! That man, he is-"

"Brother, calm down. He is only doing his job…." Al responded in a low tone, hoping to not disturb the three other occupants of the bar, although at this late hour they looked too liquor sodden to really notice anything.

"His _job_!" Ed he spat back with venom, so much so, it stung Al's a little, causing his to slightly flinch. "If he was doing his _job_, he would supply a state licensed alchemist a place to stay for the night." The metallic hand flew to the counter, leaving an indent by the sheer pressure of his auto mail to the soft scented wood.

Al froze as he stared at his brother truly for the first time tonight; looking past the annoyed, aggravated, and torn expression he wore at the moment.

They had been searching nearby town for over a week now, having been directed by a tip by Colonel Mustang himself. On the fall of the Monday, things had been looking up, a new chance to undoing their past in hindsight. That hope lead them far over three cities over the last four days; hardly any food, and they had only stopped for rest on the second day of their travels. And although Al didn't need to eat anymore, he kept note of how little Ed had actually sat down himself to gain any nutrient: very few.

So it wasn't very surprising that Al saw through all the masked hate and self annoyance, no, it was bluntly obvious youngest to the younger. His older brother, underneath his chipping angry mask, was saddened with himself. It was out of bitter annoyance for seemingly failing to do anything to help them in their causes, Al knew this. It happened often when they failed to find any results on a lead they had. Ed liked to shoulder all the blame, the pain, and the guilt for everything himself. It was what was transpiring right now.

"Brother, please calm down. It's not the man's fault. We aren't even here on military business… He shouldn't have to house if there really is no room." Al replied back slowly. Ed's hidden weariness was shinning though now though as Ed, exasperated, brought his hand to his face veiling his emotions for a moment behind a gloved hand and veil of silky blond hair. This action was recurring to Ed who used it to gain control of emotions in strenuous situations; a way of self prevision in a way.

"I know, Al. But every other inn in this city is full. This was our last shot ditch, remember? What are we suppose to do now?" Al's armor clinked as he turned his head to the door, walking towards it as his brother followed behind sullenly, red cloak waving behind almost regally, although the young blonds wasn't held very high at the moment to be mistaken for royalty.

"We will figure something out, Brother. We always do." Al replied quietly, Ed nodded weakly as they poured out onto the moonlit street, cold, barren, and empty. The two kept on walking, their shadows the only other visible movement in the shrouded god forsaken night.

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The two walked around town at least three more times without notice. Ed, obviously too worn from his previous argument, wasn't directing as much, seemingly careless now about where he ended up for the night. Although the only time he did open his mouth, he would try to coax Al into what actions he should take to stay well protected from any elements of the night, obviously more worried about his suited brother than himself at all. Al didn't give much notice to his brother's feeble pleas to leave him for the next few hours however. All the younger Elric did was search for some place, somewhere, his brother could sleep. He knew his brother had gone too long without good rest so he hoped an opportunity for a soft bed would open up if they wandered around a little. But as Ed's walking began to shorten and stiffen as the moon continued to smile down with his abundant light guiding their way, Alphonse became aware he might not be able to supply his brother with a suitable place to sleep before the sun returned; and having Ed go another night without any rest, that was simply _not_ an option.

"Al, I think we need to stop for a while." Ed claimed out for the first time, making Al stop for the first time since this was the first claim Ed had given that involved them doing something together.

"Why, brother? We haven't found a place to stay yet." Al watched as his older brother sat beaten down against a chiseled and worn step. They were in a darkened alley way, light only shinning with half brilliance in the shadowed place. They seemed to be in between the distinctions of two houses, seeming as no lights or trash lay lingering around in the night. The steps Ed had placed himself on top of where to the side entrance to someone's home, obviously. But it looked unused, rusted, and worn down by years that there didn't seem to be threat of having it opened on them in the near future.

Edward didn't seem to take much notice though, his eyes heavy and lingered on the ground now as though it was the most interesting thing on earth. Al could see the days of no sleep beginning to weigh him down.

"Here's good, I don't need to sleep. Just somewhere to take a breather for a little bit, I guess…" Al huffed in annoyance at that, shifting on his feet looming over his brother like a pillar.

"You need sleep, brother. I hope that would at _least_ be bluntly obvious to you." Ed's weary eyes travelled up to his brother's soul eyes currently directed on him even in the poor light.

"I've gone longer without rest before. You know that." Ed replied a bemused smile stole onto his face for the first time in over a day now. Al didn't miss that expression change at all and would have commented on it surely if his brother just didn't look so unusually… beaten. This quest was getting to Ed and it hurt Al that his brother was suffering so on a goal they both wanted dearly.

"Brother, I don't care if you've gone longer. You need sleep _now_. What use do you think you are if I have to carry you from town to town if you break your neck from exhaustion?" It was a joke, something that usually would have lifted Ed's spirited even by a margin. Al wasn't the one to creak jokes so freely, so out of the moment, unless times like this. But to Al's surprise, instead of the shy and dented smile or smirk he expected back, nothing returned. His brother visibly deflated in front of him, his eyes lowering to the ground even further.

There was a stiff silence for a moment, filled in only by far off chirping grass hoppers and nothing else but Ed's slow breathing. Than as silent as the wind, Ed spoke.

"I'm sorry."

It was quite, almost no louder than a whisper. Yet, Al could fear the undertone, the sadness and the bitter guilt, and hurt pouring forth from his brother. It was obvious he was apologizing for more than just not finding a place to lodge for the night.

"Brother…." Al clanked down to his knees, listening as the hollow armor reflected the voice. "Don't be like this. You didn't do anything." But before he could say anything more, the older blond had removed himself from dilapidated steps and had latched onto his metal frame. His body quivered with unspoken emotions, and to speak for his true fatigue, his eyes glistened with wet unshed tears.

Al exclaimed in surprise as his brother clung to his chest plate, avoiding his spike with ease for once. It was such an off guard gesture, Alphonse had no clue what to do at first. Ed was usually the hot head, the loud mouth, and the stubborn one. Yet, he was also the more in-tune emotionally, hardly even showing anything besides irritation and fury unless in a horribly serious situation. Edward Elric wasn't one to break down, wasn't one to linger on emotions so outwardly. Al hardly ever saw his brother express this so freely. It was strange, but not necessarily bad. Al always thought Ed bottled too much up.

"I'm so sorry, Al. It's all, my fault…." He whispered into the cold metal plate that was his younger brother. If Al could feel, he could just image the way Ed's real hand would cling to him with dire need to be comforted as his auto mail rested with ease on his breastplate like he had trained himself to do for over three years now.

"Brother… It's not your fault. Everything is going to be fine… You can't blame yourself for everything." Al's gloved hands worked their way to his brother's back, unsure it would help or not. There was only so much comfort he could give, knowing his metal armor probably did nothing but give Ed chills down his spin. But more to his surprise, Ed did not shirk away from the touch. The young alchemist even seemed to welcome it more as he gripped tighter; making it seem Al was his only lifeline to sanity. Al found it strange but, at the same time, pleasant as he sat down cross-legged and leaned his back against the wall. His older brother followed suit basically now a small form in his lap.

"But Al…. I did this to you! I'm the reason we are out here right now! If I hadn't been so determined to bring back mom than none of this would hav-" Al cut him off angrily, clenching his fits angrily behind Edward's back.

"You think you were alone in that choice, brother! I wanted her back to! I wanted her back so bad that it hurt! I still do…" Al sobbed lightly as his mother's young faced danced across his mind, her enchanting voice following suit. No matter how much he thought of her in the good years, her lingering last few months weighed heavily down upon him so much that when thinking about her only resurfaced images of his ashen toned mother withering away in her own homely bed came to mind.

"I do too, Al…." Ed replied softly, unmoving as he shifted his legs so that he literally in his younger brother's lap, his legs sprawled over Al's left leg now sitting Indian style. Ed's grip never wavered, his face planted firmly and with tenderness against the left side of Al's breastplate. His cloak has somehow fallen off his body to the ground next to them in the transition but his long black sleeved and white adorned hands wrapped as far they would go around his younger brother's metal torso. He was fruitlessly trying to secure a firm grip that would never last, almost like trying to keep a firm hold on a window pane with nothing but oily finger tips. But despite his minor struggle, he still managed to latch on, almost out of some sort of desperation.

It got quiet for a moment, as the two brothers just sat there in silence drinking the other company. One brother sat his mind filling in what it would be like to touch his brother with his own flesh hands, while the other imaged a heartbeat from a hollow suit of metal. It was truly touching if neither actually looked deeply on what the other was doing.

"Sometimes, I still hear her laugh go through my mind, late at night, when no one else is awake." Al spoke softly, his voice echoing with its usual light ring. "Her laugh was so light, easy going. It always cheered me up no matter how upset I was. No one else in the entire world will ever have a laugh like hers…" The older blond, in his arms, nodded. A small rather bittersweet chuckle escaped his lips.

"Yeah… I also remember her singing voice. She used to tuck us in bed every night, but instead of just reading us a story like everyone else's parents, she would sing. Sing about anything: the flowers, the trees, us, our dad. They were all made up taken from familiar tunes but they were all good." Ed stopped, catching his breath obviously holding in a sob that tried to make his whole body retch. Al didn't say anything, already sure that if he had the ability that he would be crying at that very moment.

"Yes…. My favorite one was about the day Winry's parents would finally come home from the war, dressed in gold, with smiles on their faces." Al replied as his left hand clasped his brother's shoulder securely, his right rested faithfully underneath the empty space between where his brother's legs dangled over his armored hallow leg.

"I remember that one…" Ed mumbled, his voice becoming even dozier despite the emotions still playing rather painfully across his face and the need for tears still evident.

"Do you…." Alphonse's voice trailed off for a moment, his inner thought trying to stay submerged like usual. But this one was eating away at him and he couldn't allow it do so for much longer. "Do you think mother hates us for trying to bring her back to life?"

Ed's face shot up to his brother's eyes in shock, widening to an unusual size. "Never!" He spat back loudly and with gusto that it probably was able to carry down the entire alley way. His shock though seemed to dull as he leaned back against his younger brother's armor. "Never…. She loved us no matter what…. But I am sorry for making you do it, Al. I'm sorry for making you like this." Ed cried softly as his grip on Al's entire upper body tightened slightly, his eyes closing shut trying to fight the show of tears. But that was Ed for you, always trying to be the brave one even in these secretive and private moments where he didn't need to be.

"There is nothing to be sorry for… I went along with it and I lost my body because of it…. We are trying to get it back along with your arm and leg, remember? We will do it." It was a weak response, Al knew it, but there was nothing left to say. Their determination was all they had left; possessions, loved ones, a home, had all been drowned away by time. Themselves and their determinations to continue living was all they had left, without that they would certainly fall apart.

"I know… I k-know… I'm just so sorry, Al. I will get your body back… I'm just so sorry…" Tears were leaking now from underneath Edward's yellow brows, smearing with no sound onto his brother's breastplate. Al didn't say anything, only gripping harder letting his brother vent. He saw how his older brother worked himself every day, hiding emotions, lingering on the past, and trying to not let himself feel at times. But everyone had their breaking point; Ed was long past his now, only cruising on his determination and shattered hope. With that even, he still couldn't hold himself together all the time. That's where Al would step in though, willing to do anything for the older alchemist.

"It's ok, brother. It's ok. _We're_ ok." Al whispered through a montage as Ed spilled tears and soft gut wrenching sobs that could have humbled a war veteran. There was nothing more to say; he let Ed continue to release his fatigue, stress, and usually suppressed emotions.

Seconds passed, than minutes, than about a half an hour of just jumbled apologizes and quiet sobs and tears not befitting Ed's fourteen years of life. But slowly and progressively, Ed's sobbing died down and he began to sink back into his brother's hold even more. Ed's firm hold never wavered once, seemingly unwilling to unhinge from his sanity lifeline. Ironically, despite his declaration about not needing sleep, Ed's eyes were beginning to drop. His body grew limper with every passing minute. And every time Al finally thought his brother had drifted to sleep, he would open his eyes again for a moment as though he were fighting off the dream land that was attempting to steal him away for a short time. But that was Ed for you, always fighting: whether it be his superiors, an enemy, or something as simple as sleep.

"Brother, please, go to sleep. I'll watch over you." Al voiced softly as his brother's bright amber drooping eyes looked up at him, dulled with the need for wholesome rest. He seemed so out of it, that the need to brush the lingering tears resting on the edges of his eyes was forgotten. Tear stains also caked his worn, yet young, face. None of this seemed to faze the older Elric though, his self-conscience thoughts fluttering away with him into sleep.

"Alright, Alphonse." Ed nodded numbly, his face tucking back against the small nook, in Al's armor, between his chest plate and shoulder spikes. Al imagined that it couldn't be a very comfortable position, having to lean against cold hard metal. But whether out of comfort or just general fatigue, Ed began to snooze. His golden blond hair spread out in every direction as it ruffled itself in the position. However, Ed didn't seem to care. Strangely enough, a small waning smile surfaced and remained on Ed's mouth as his once drooping eyes closed shut in exhaustion.

Al sighed with finality. Finally, he had gotten his brother to sleep. Granted, this wasn't exactly the way he had wanted it. In fact, if it were still up to him, he would be sleeping in a nice hotel bed filled with heaters instead of a dark cold back alley way. But, Al supposed, than Ed wouldn't have vented if they had found a place to stay earlier. Besides, he wouldn't complain, Ed and him hardly ever were this close on usual occasions since he had gotten put in a suit of armor. It was something Alphonse had missed dearly, when they were children, the two were neigh inspirable. They were _still _inseparable. However, in those days, when they both had been made out of flesh and blood, they were even closer. Whispering secrets about Winery or some other school child in the others ear, splashing the other while playing in the river, even giving the other a good smack or two if infuriated, it was all contact and all physical and made their bond even closer. Al could still remember the days when he would crawl into his brother's spacious bed because something had frightened him in his own room. He could remember the way his brother would comfort him and they would sleep together, arms entwined, until morning came. Even now Al could remember the calming sensation of his brother's arms wrapped around him and his warm breath that used to blow against his skin. Although, much had been forgotten as well. The touch of his brother's hair, the smell of his sheet, and even the idea of the sensation of human hands around him were lost; all he could recall was the warmth of his brother's touch and breath, nothing more.

He longed to receive his body back. Simply, just so he could enjoy the feeling of his brother and be able to give and receive the comfort he truly missed most of all.

Sighing despondently, Al moved his free right arm and reached over to where Ed's signature red cloak lay discarded next to them. And without much thought, he grabbed it and opened it up wide wrapping it around his brother's smaller body. It took a few moments, but he even managed to rearrange the hood as a thin cushioning pillow under Ed's head, while still keeping the cloak covering his body up to his ankles. Satisfied with his work, Al noticed some of Ed's front strands of hair lead astray over his closed eyes. With tentativeness Al couldn't really feel, he pushed the strand back revealing Ed's smooth and full face.

"Al…" Without warning, Ed's hands snapped away from Alphonse's torso and from underneath the cloak knocking it's careful precision back to disarray around his ankles. He was clutching Al's leather gloved hand. The bright dull unfocused eyes were on him again, never wavering despite the dazed and bewildered look upon his face. "I will get your body back. No matter what." His voice was slurred with the need for sleep but the confidence and dedication was there.

"I know, brother. We will get your body back too, so sleep now." Ed didn't need to be told twice, the minute Alphonse finished his sentence, Ed's eyes drooped close. His body tightened as he curled slightly into a ball on Al's lap, his face now buried in the suits right arm. Ed, in the process, had tucked his auto mail to his body but his flesh hand never left Al's right hand as it clenched as though reaching out for support.

Al didn't move for a moment, but sighed with relief as his brother began to snore lightly. Thus, finally signaling Ed had truly gone to sleep. And once again, Al maneuvered Ed's red cloak over his body wrapping it around to keep as much of the cool's night chill as possible. In the process, Ed only shifted once, grumbling now in heavy slumber.

"What am I going to do with you brother?" Al joked aloud as he looked down at his peacefully sleeping brother, imagining the day he would be able to sleep alongside his brother in restful slumber. For they were brothers, and he wanted nothing more but to be able to connect like real brothers once again. More than just emotionally, but physically, with his real hands.

But he wasn't too worried, when brother promised something; he always stayed faithful to his word. Al knew he'd get his body back, he was just frightened by the idea of Ed doing something dim witted to do it. He would rather live in his cold shell of armor than have to live a life with his feeling body without his brother any day.

Al looked down as his brother once more, small, although never willing to admit it, and youthful. He showed no signs of the usual pain, annoyance, or indifference on his face. It was fitting, very fitting, for his real age.

"I love you, brother…." Alphonse whispered so softly that he let the wind carry it away, without even a sole being able to hear it. But much to his surprise, he saw Edwards hand clench his hand a little stronger as though for reassurance and even a small smile across his face in the semi- darkness.

But Al wasn't sure if Ed really did respond, after all, he couldn't feel any longer. He would have to just trust his brother on this one.

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**A/N**: Thanks for the read! This was actually real enjoyable to write and edit. I love Ed and Al so digging into an understanding was fun to me. I apologize if anyone finds Ed OOC (my major worry about this). I really do believe that Ed would probably have moments like these. We've only seen about a handful of times where he has really broken down to this kind of level. He's a 12 year old when he joins the military and that's sided with the weighing guilt he carries around with him. I think he's had a lot of off screen moments like this and I couldn't bare not to write one. I really like writing tender moments like this anyway. Anyway, back on topic, please review. I would really enjoy some.

Thanks. Peace out.

~GravityDefyingTrenchCoat~


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